Zero hours contracts (with apologies to Elvis)

Return Your Contract

Got a letter one morning,
‘This job’s for you’.
The HR man called me,
‘Here’s what you do’.

He told me just to:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

No phone calls came and,
A week went by.
So I called the HR man,
To find out why.

But he just told me:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

He said, “We won’t call you,
A second time.
We’ll just move on to,
The next in line.

And then he told me:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

I only went out for,
An hour or two.
I can’t spend my days just,
Waiting for you.

But he just told me:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

He said, “I don’t wish to,
Be so rude.
But you’ll never get work with,
Your attitude.”

I keep telling you to:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

But how can I live on,
The wage you pay?
When you won’t even give me,
More than a day.

But he just kept saying:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

He said, “I suggest you,
Do as you’re told.
Especially now Osborne,
Has cut your dole.”

Stop making trouble, and:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

He said “I’m busy,
Please don’t call back.
Phone me again and,
You’ll get the sack!”

I keep telling you to:

Return your contract,
Hours unknown.
We’ve got your number,
Wait by the phone.
No-one’s hiring,
Job market’s flat.
We’ll cut your wages,
But you’ll keep on coming back.

(Repeat ad nauseam)

Inspired by EvilHRGenius and today’s #ElvisHR tag

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2 Responses to Zero hours contracts (with apologies to Elvis)

  1. Pingback: Zero hours contracts (with apologies to Elvis) - Rick - Member Blogs - HR Blogs - HR Space from Personnel Today and Xpert HR

  2. TickyW says:

    it took me a second or two to twig that the words should be sung to Elvis Presely’s “Return to Sender” ! I initially thought the reference to Elvis was to Elvis Costello (?!)

    But yeah, those words accurately set out the truly desperate situation that workers find themselves in; a situation jointly engineered by government and employers in concert, I suspect. What did Marx say?

    “The state is a committee of the bourgeoisie “

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