An interview with Andrew Lansley

By Father Dougal McGuire:

Sure that was a great speech yesterday Andy.

Glad you think so. After all this is the most radical shake up of the NHS since the 1940s.

Sure it is, and I bet all the doctors are chuffed that they’ll get all that wonga to do what the feck they like with.

Well that’s not strictly true. The funds and contracts will actually be held by an independent commissioning board.

Oh right, so sorta like a quango then Andy?

No! Absolutely not. Quangos are a Labour thing. This will be an independent commissioning board. Totally different.

Oh right. But it’s really clever kidding everyone on that you’ve given the power away and everything when really you’ve grabbed it all for yourself. I bet no-one ever spots that.

Absolute rubbish. I resent the suggestion that I have centralised things. Centralisation was what Labour did.

And you’ve managed to kid everyone that it’s going to save money when really it’s going to cost a bomb. Fantastic! How d’you do that?

Look, of course it will save money. We will be getting rid of lots of managers and bureaucrats.

Ah, so the doctors will have to do all the paper pushing themselves then. Mind you, if I know what doctors are like, they’ll just pay a load of new secretaries to do it. Hey, they could even take some people on from all those bits you’ve scrapped. Wouldn’t that be grand?

I don’t wish to be rude but you’re beginning to irritate me. Doctors will be fine with this and it will save us lots of money. We will simply get GPs to do all the w…..erm, empower GPs to make the system more efficient.

Ted’s brother’s a doctor and he’s a bone-idle eejit. What if doctors try to skive off doing this stuff?

They won’t be allowed to. They will all have to participate. We will be grouping GPs together into special local organisations which will distribute the budgets and approve the spending.

So would they be a bit like those primary care trusts then Andy?

No. Absolutely not. Primary care trusts are a Labour thing. This will be totally different.

Oh right. But isn’t it true that people don’t work so well when you merge things and push people together, especially if a lot of them don’t want to go. Will they be getting some advice from those management consultant fellas to help them make it all work?

No! Definitely not. Management consultants are a Labour thing.

But this doctor on the BBC yesterday was really worried and said she didn’t have a clue what to do and she’d have to get some private company in to do it for her. That’ll be a few management consultants making a lot of dosh then, won’t it?

No. Private commissioning advisers are nothing like management consultants.

Ah, come on now, Andy, they are a little bit.

No they’re not!

Sure, they are.

Look, you’re starting to annoy me. If you don’t shut up about management consultants I will call security and have you thrown out.

Ah, I was going to ask you about security. Will you give that to those private contractor fellas too?

Right, that’s it! Get out of my office!

Ah, go on Andy, just one last question. Will you be getting any of those famous public sector fat-cats in to help you run all this?

No, public sector fat cats are a La….wait a minute, I thought I told you to sod off!

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8 Responses to An interview with Andrew Lansley

  1. Pingback: An interview with Andrew Lansley - Rick - Member Blogs - HR Blogs - HR Space from Personnel Today and Xpert HR

  2. CharlieMcMenamin says:

    Superb Dougal

    I think the only possible response to the NHS plans is to say “Down with this sort of Thing…” http://tinyurl.com/4m5rn4

  3. ted says:

    true interview but unlike father ted the reforms lack any humour

  4. Jez says:

    Well Dougal, the whole point of faith is that there is no evidence. You just have to believe really strongly and everything will be ok. Now let’s have a good old pray….

  5. Rick says:

    Ooooh right, so if I just have faith in Mr Lansley, everything’ll be fine. That’s grand.

  6. Mr A says:

    I think this will be an NHS blunder. GPs are independent professional contractors to the NHS and they have a business to run. Before the pay master paid them and monitored what they did now they have become their own pay masters, its like leaving a fox in a hen house, don’t be suprised when all the hens have been foxed away without a trace. I bet the doctors are all smoking cigars now and hands really at the money printing machine.
    Sadly we humans have such short term memories, this has been tried before and if it didn’t work then what on earth makes you think it will work now?. Welcome to the new world or should i say the old world!!
    Health Economist viewpoint

  7. ian says:

    Andrew Lansley appears to want his name remembered for his work on the NHS. I am sure it will be. Just like Dr Beachings is remembered for his work on the railways.

  8. treacletiger says:

    Surely this is all an ecumenical matter?

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